Deal with body dysmorphia and self esteem

 Today, I was doing laundry and found a newer dress of mine from Halara, it is a athleisure dress, with built in shorts and shelf bra. A pretty darn comfy dress and one you can definitely chase after your kids or pets in. But, something happened today that involved me looking in the mirror and going ew. I saw how I looked in it. I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like who I saw in the mirror. Which was me. I did not like how I looked in the dress. I didn't like how I looked at all. I did not like the person I was seeing in that dress in that moment. 

No.

So, here is the thing. I am a recovering anorexic. I have body dysmorphia. I have OCD, literally I do, and this is on top of my other mental stuff. Stuff like BPD1, autism, adhd, dyslexia, I believe I have dyscalcia, which is why I am shit at math, no matter how it is taught to me. I am shit at it. Which is why of all the subjects I homeschool my older son with, math is the one I hire my kid a tutor for. The OCD is presented as Trichotillomania, which is another story all together on it's own. I don't shy away from mental health things here on this bloggeroo of mine. 

 So, I found the dress, as I was folding laundry with my older son. I am trying to teach him how to do stuff on his own. He is on the spectrum as well and needs more assistance than his brother, who is also on the spectrum. We were having fun and at the time I was still in pjs. I decided to get changed and grabbed the dress which I was going to wear with some thigh high socks over my compression stockings. 

I put the dress on and looked in the mirror to see if it was on right. I know that sounds weird but bear with me, as I have brain trauma and I sometimes put things on wrong. ITs embarrassing but mirror checks are super important. I looked and I hate what I was looking at. All I saw was a walrus in a dress. I immediately took off the dress and hung it back in the closet. I proceeded to put on a super baggy shirt, and lounge pants. Hiding in my clothes essentially. 

Dress by Halara if you wanted the info

NOW, before someone has to come here and tell me what they think I should be doing. Just don't. I am not asking. I do eat healthy and I do exercise as I can as allowed by my doctors. I have a TBI. Also, antipsychotics and the other meds I am on do not help when it comes to weight. It infact makes you gain. 

As reported in drugs.com  meds like this can cause weight gain. As can other meds,which pretty much most of the medicine I am on for my disorders and brain injury. 

This does not help my psyche when it comes to my weight and body image. But you would think I would be more accepting of myself when it comes to this crap. But NO, I am my own worst critic. 

That is unless you count the two women who called me gross in a store because of the outfit I had on. Never to wear my Herve leger dresses again. Because when I put them on, I see a walrus in dress bursting at the seams. 

I hate it.

I grew up during the Heroine Chic era. When there was a Jenny Craig on every other corner. Diet pills, slim fast, etc. I sat there and saw all the ways my mom would try to get around the whole better diet and exercise. Taking the diet pills and doing the slimfast shakes. It would then shape my own disordered eating issues. 

Always called a toothpick, a pencil, Barbie, skinny minny.

Always told JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE FAT AND UGLY LIKE THE REST OF US!

And I absorbed that in. My eating disorder made worse. Then baby 1 and then called fat while pregnant in comparison to someone else also pregnant. When baby 1 came, disorder did too full swing. 

Baby2 same situation, although doctors put me on horrible meds. And then as I was getting back into the swing of things. COVID. And different meds that caused weight issues.

And now here I am recovering from head trauma and long haulers. Neuropathy caused by COVID.

I can't do what I used to because of chronic illness and trauma. 

You would think that would teach me some grace to myself. NOPE.

I am mean to me. Severely mean. I look at me and don't someone worthy. 

I don't see it. 

Maybe one day I will, but not today.

Not today.

my outfit the other day which I loved! But had trouble getting into the dress a little bit. Sadly.Dress is by SELKIE and corset and bustle by Dracula Clothing.